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Couch Slouch: More facts to ponder while watching sports on TV

UPDATED: Mon., Dec. 3, 2018, 6:58 p.m.

Couch Slouch was disappointed to learn that his health insurance wouldn’t recognize Dick Vitale, center, as a preexisting condition. (Dan Pelle / The Spokesman-Review)
Couch Slouch was disappointed to learn that his health insurance wouldn’t recognize Dick Vitale, center, as a preexisting condition. (Dan Pelle / The Spokesman-Review)

These are 23 (more) facts, tried and true, about the widening world of sports television:

1. The only thing undisputed about FS1’s “Undisputed” is that it is indisputably the most unwatchable 2 1/2 hours of television daily.

2. To its credit, sometimes I use ESPN’s “First Take” as a substitute for an enema.

3. Skip Bayless + Stephen A. Smith = Sodom and Gomorrah 2.0.

4. What lies ahead, 65-inch flat screens or 6.4-inch smartphone screens? To hedge my bet, I’m holding on to my Zenith 27-inch TV set.

5. HBO has said goodbye to boxing, about 10 years after the rest of us did.

6. Once in a while, a coat has too many pockets and zippers. “Monday Night Football” has too many pockets and zippers.

7. Enormously disappointed that my health-care provider refuses to recognize Dick Vitale as a pre-existing condition.

8. Given a choice between re-watching the Red Sox-Dodgers 18-inning World Series Game 3 “thriller” or 18 random episodes of “The Sopranos,” I’m going with Artie Bucco over Mookie Betts.

9. Memo to all NFL analysts: Wide receivers are not “high-pointing the football.” They are simply leaving their feet to catch the ball as it spirals down.

10. I had a dream that I was on “Jeopardy!” and was shut out by Bill Nye the Science Guy and Jeremy Schaap.

11. Does my man Colin Cowherd ever lose track of how many things he says that contradict previous things he has said?

(Column Intermission: I parted ways with PBR in 2014, somewhat amicably, and wished it no ill will. Thus, I was saddened to recently hear that MillerCoors, which now brews the beer, was trying to terminate that arrangement. But the legal dispute has ended, saving Pabst and several other real-people beers, like my old Baltimore favorite, National Bohemian – Natty Boh! – so America is safe for a few more football seasons. Have a Schlitz or Colt 45 on me.)

12. If I ever attend a “Monday Night Football” game and Booger McFarland is blocking my view, somebody in Bristol is paying for my ticket.

13. With esports on the rise – people are actually watching other people play video games – I no longer apologize for my poker-on-TV involvement.

14. My late-night talk show rankings – 1. Stephen Colbert; 2. James Corden; 3. Conan O’Brien; 4. Vacant; 5. (tie) Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel.

15. Over-under on gambling podcasts available by 2020: A lot.

16. After Donald Trump is done in the White House, he might do wonders for CBS’ “The NFL Today” or HGTV’s “Design on a Dime.”

17. I don’t think golf has much of a pay-per-view future unless they’re paying me to view it.

18. Here’s a thought for “Monday Night Football” next season: Go with FOUR analysts in the booth – one for first down, one for second down, one for third down and a special-teams guy for fourth down.

19. NBA League Pass is a bargain at $249.99 per season, but it should include a weekly bag of Fritos and six-pack of Yuengling.

20. If I watch just seven more hours, I’ll become the Pro Bowlers Tour’s 12th Lifetime Platinum Viewer. Thank you, Jason Belmonte!

21. Darren Rovell is leaving ESPN for The Action Network. Thank you, Action Network!

22. Bill Walton reminds me of kale – not sure if I should eat it or compost it.

23. It might seem like a moot point, but I just switched cemetery plots to get a better Wi-Fi signal.

Ask The Slouch

Q. I’ve noticed lately that after a player scores a touchdown, he points his index finger at the roof. Is there supposedly somebody on the roof? (Tom Priolo; San Antonio)

A. When I played pro ball – of course, this was quite some time ago – my agent and my dog would sit on the roof.

Q. The NFL recently announced $35 million in funding to study, among other things, the cause of brain injuries. What do you think the odds are that the study will conclude, “Football”? (AJ Carle; Oak Hill, Va.)

A. If they start with the premise, “The ground cannot cause a fumble,” I am not optimistic.

Q. Oakland (Mich.) University is training faculty to use hockey pucks in the case of an armed intruder. Will these still help if the intruder is a former goalie? (Jim O’Brien; Racine, Wis.)

A. If the former goalie is Michel Belhumeur, there shouldn’t be a problem.

Q. As a Raiders/49ers fan, I have started reading Friedrich Nietzsche. What are R*dsk*ns fans reading? (Tom Jessen; Applegate, Calif.)

A. John Kennedy Toole’s “A Confederacy of Dunces.”

Q. I’ve had a subscription to the New York state biweekly lotto with the same numbers for 33 years. Once I won enough for a pizza; I figure I’m due any Wednesday or Saturday now. So, seeing how we both have had bad luck for well over a quarter century, you wanna buy my numbers? (Art Donahue; Trinity, Fla.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!


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